The Book of Gideon: Bargain – 33

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In some strange grey room that smells funny.


Baxter found himself in a flat grey room. He stared hard corgi fury at the other occupant, the Elder demon. Baxter sat without any sense of danger, glaring at the bad guy. The demon was nestled in a corner, sitting. Its countenance was pale and skeletal. He attempted to rise, only yo have the corgi growl at him. He sat back down, eyes narrowed. As he spoke, his baritone voice had become weak and hoarse.

“What is your desire? I can make it happen.”

Baxter was silent.

“Is it power? I can give you that.”

Baxter yawned.

“Is it females? Loving attention?”

Baxter lied down. One eye was open, tracking the demon.

“What is it that you want?” The demon roared.

“I would like to sleep,” Baxter said with a quiet chuff.

“I can give you as much sleep as you want. Anything.” The demon offered.

“Well, I’m actually kind of hungry,” Baxter said, stretching and sitting up.

“What is your favorite food, I can give you enough to bathe a planet in.”

“A planet of steak? That sounds…” Baxter trailed off.

“Delicious?” The demon lead.

“Meh,” Baxter answered as he trotted just out of arms reach.

“I’m more peckish than anything,” Baxter said with disinterest.

“Do you have cheese? Cheese is truly a great miracle food.” Baxter chuffed.

“I can give you all the cheese you desire. Any type at any time.” The demon offered, his face brightening.

“Well, I don’t know. Because I’d also like to be taller.” Baxter stated half-heartedly.

The demon perked up.

“Then sign a contract, right here and now. I will give you height, food, and rest. As much as you desire.” The demon continued to lead.

“It’d be nice to have a tail. I miss the steel one I had.”

“And a tail. It will be a tail that is envious.” The demon stated.

“I’d like a tail to be more of a furry tail, I do not know what an envious tail would look like you make strange bargains you need to work on your audience more,” Baxter said with a bark, his words rushing out like a marathon.

“A tail that will be so furry that no one could resist it.”

“But my naps! I must have sleep without disturbance.” Baxter barked in response.

“A tail that no one could resist touching except when you’re napping.” The demon said with a dead voice. His face drooped, he was getting tired.

“But when I eat I do not like to be pet. This tail does not sound good nope nope nope.” Baxter stamped his feet, barking.

The demon felt time was running out, the contract was being dissolved in the stomach of a dwarf dog.

“Then you make the contract. Whatever it is I will follow.” The demon grinned internally. There was no loophole he could not exploit. This dog was not smart enough to lock him down.

“Oh if you say so, I’d like someone who could get me food and carry me and pet me and have others pet me and…” Baxter went on, he materialized a piece of paper; a napkin to be exact.

“Void have mercy, signing my life on a napkin…” The demon mused somberly.

Baxter looked around and sat.

“I have no pen.” He stated plainly.

The demon clasped the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed. There was a dense pain in his skull. He materialized a pen from black light and tossed at Baxter with derision. And fatigue.

Baxter stamped down on the napkin with one paw as he gently clasped the pen in his jaw. He scribbled on the napkin one sentence, the handwriting was poor but fairly good for a dog.

Baxter gently grabbed the napkin and trotted to the demon where it was gently deposited before he quickly scampered out of arms reach again.

The demon picked up the lowly paper and read it. His eyes drooped half open.

His stare was vacant.

“What is this.”

“It is a paper signer thingy,” Baxter responded.

“A contract? This? It’s-!” The demon stopped himself. And read it out loud.

“Sign the papery thingy!” Baxter barked in protest.

“Baxter… is… the… best… Doggy.” The demon paused in between each word.

“What the hell is this?”

“Baxter is the best doggy!” Baxter barked.

“But what can I do? Not do? Permissions, preventions? If clauses, Or statements? Where is the thereto? Hereto?” The demon lost it, shouting at Baxter.

“Sign the paper thingy!” Baxter barked again.

Baxter was inconsolable. The demon felt his life slipping.

“Either you’re an idiot savant or a genius.” The demon admitted defeat, stabbing his hand casually with the pen and signing with black blood. He signed with an X, as he had no name.

Baxter then proceeded to eat the paper.

The demon stared on, stupefied by what he was witnessing.

With demonic contracts, the only winning move is not to play. In this case, Baxter’s pension for trolling beat an Elder Demon.

“What is your name?” Baxter asked.

“I have none. It has been so long that I’ve lost it.” The Elder Demon admitted with a sigh.

“OK! Your name is now…”




“He is an Idiot!” The demon shouted as he was given his new name.

You’re an idiot!” He pointed at Baxter in rage. His face was that of a snarling gargoyle.

“Baxter is the best doggy!” Baxter began barking and howling.

Alive for countless ages, an Elder demon was bested by a dog with no self-awareness.


<<< The Book of Gideon: Conscript – 32


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